Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Autistic Fred

Autistic Fred watched 'Rainman'
And thought that we would be good at maths.

He booked 2 tickets to Vegas,
But was rubbish.

In 6 games of 21,
He Lost all his family's money
And a cat.

Camilla the Cougar

Camilla the Cougar
Invited Mike the young man
To come over
To help her
Move some boxes.

He arrived and bent down to lift the first box
And his perk buttucks poking in the air
Made Camilla salivate

Oooo, not like that,
Said Camilla, You'll get too hot
Take that shirt off...
And Mike, none the wiser, obliged.

Mike then lifted the second box,
Ooooo, not like that,
Said Camilla, You might rip those tight trousers,
Take them off...
And Mike, none the wiser, obliged.

Mike moved the final box,
And half-naked, he turned to Camilla,
Who now had amylase dripping all down the side of her mouth.

He looked into Camilla's eyes,
He saw the lustful look on her face,
And he knew now that Camilla
Hadn't just invited him over only to 'move the boxes'...

So he went and moved some of the heavier crates aswell.

And then had sex with her.

Friday, 23 December 2011

Arrogant Ben

Ben chuckled at a point I made
And declared,
'You know Sam,
We're not too different you and I'
Which I personally thought
Was a pretty arrogant thing to say.

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Fat World

Fat brothers,
Fat mothers,
Fat lovers
Fat smothered
Everything, Everyone
Fat world.

Eat the jam.

Then eat your way out of a jam.

Eat brothers
Eat their lovers
Eat their lover’s mothers
Grab more, Grow tall
Eat the kid making Nike shoes in
The factory’s walls.
Eat them all
After all
It’s fat world.

Don’t take one, take four
Take the bigger house with the bigger door
The bigger porch with the bigger floor
On the bigger beach with the better shore
The answer’s always in eating more

So collect the fat by being bold
And keep collecting til your old

Then win, and die with lots of fat
In fat world.

Monday, 12 December 2011

The housewife Julie

The housewife Julie
Put on some techno
And took some crystal meth
There was only 5 hours before Peter returned,
The house was a tip.
‘He will be livid!’, she panicked.

So she started doing what she could,
Indeed whatever she could muster
Dusting books, dusting wood,
She even dusted a duster.

There was only 4 hours now.

Julie took another line of crystal meth,
And put on some more techno,
A more underground variety this time,
Proper minimal.

2 hours now
She ran around the house some more
1 hour now
She took some more meth
0 hours now!
Peter arrived into his home
‘What a mess!’ he thought,
Looking at his overdosing wife on the sofa…
‘Not again.’

Friday, 9 December 2011

The Set Up

The whole thing had been a right palava,
And Mark couldn't help but turn to Tara,
and ask her
'Why, oh why Tara,
is every girl you set me up with
A complete bloody dog?'

'But Mark...' said Tara,
'No no Tara, don't even start here
I mean, was this a joke?
I mean, I'm not a bad looking bloke?
'Well' said Tara, 'I know'
But before you continue,
You could at least wait for her to leave'

At which, Mark turned to his now crying blind date,
'Sorry dear' Said Mark,
'Nothing personal...
This is Tara's fault if anything.'

Alkene Love

If I were to compare my love
To an Alkene,
I would not have much to say.
Because an alkene is a complex molecule
And you are simple
A simple whore.
I don't even like you.